man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
