the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
