Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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