I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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