I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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