Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize