Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
