you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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