wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
