I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
