i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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