WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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