If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
