he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
