I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Operation Purity has been aborted
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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