I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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