She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She even gives head with a lisp.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
