She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It's blow job season.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
