There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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