do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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