Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
