dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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