i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
