speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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