I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
