There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
