at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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