I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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