Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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