Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Randomize
