I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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