I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I stole a fireplace last night.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Couch. On fire.
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