Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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