Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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