wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
