I wannas sexs uuuuu
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Damn victory sex feels great
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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