My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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