Screwed.edu
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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