Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
