so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
