Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
