I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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