I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
