she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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