3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
