Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
