Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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