Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
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