don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize