Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize