a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
