Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
