Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I wish you could order shots online.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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