Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Holy shit dude........stairs
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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