Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
